Keeping the Peace Between Siblings: In Home Care for Parents

in home care siblings Discovering that an elderly parent needs in home care can be distressing news for adult children to handle. This is especially so if there are disagreements about how a parent should be cared for, who should be the caregiver, which funds are to be used, and so on. But take heart! There is no need for families to break up or fight incessantly over senior care; in this blog, we’ll cover some tactics that can be helpful in keeping the peace.

In Home Care for Parents: An Ounce of Prevention is Worth a Pound of Cure

The absolute best tactic to avoid sibling strife is to discuss in home care options with parents before the need for it arises. The key to bringing this topic up is to do so respectfully, earnestly, and without an agenda. It’s also important to remember that all the details need not be hashed out in one discussion. While this may be an uncomfortable discussion to have (for everyone involved), it does two very important things:

allows an elderly parent to make their wishes known while they still can, and
decreases the opportunity for conflict among adult children and other relatives by getting everyone on the same page.

In addition to having open dialogue between parents and adult children regarding home care, there are four pieces of documentation that are absolutely critical to warding off future strife between siblings:

A will or testament (stipulating what to do with an estate)
A durable power of attorney (appointing a legal representative to manage financial affairs)
A healthcare power of attorney (appointing a legal representative for healthcare decisions)
An advanced directive (outlining medical action to take in case someone suddenly becomes incompetent)

Because these are legal documents, there is a lot less room for interpretation, and much less likelihood that grown children will have serious disagreements about what their parents’ wishes are. While it may be a difficult topic to address, consulting with an elder law attorney can greatly benefit multiple generations.

What are tips to keep the peace between siblings?

Even if a family has never had ‘the talk,’ and even if the four critical documents don’t exist or adequately address in home care, there are still considerations that may help avoid future conflict when discussing care for elderly parents.

Consider hiring a home care agency that also does client advocacy. For instance, Pennsylvania Agency of Nurses offers Geriatric Care Management services, which means a Registered Nurse is not only oversees in home care, but can also recommend care options relevant to the situation and mediate between family members when care issues arise. This also relieves much of the burden when the grown children themselves have become primary caregivers for their parents…you maintain control, we absorb the stress.
Use a mediator or arbitrator. This is only really an option when the parent is not competent to make decisions regarding their own healthcare, and there is disagreement between powers of attorney or appointed caregivers. At all times, the best interest of the elderly parent must be considered.
Prioritize the relationship between siblings. Unless someone’s safety or wellbeing is at risk, many disagreements about how to care for an elderly parent can be solved by compromise. It may be very easy to find fault with the way someone provides care for a parent, especially if one sibling is not the primary caregiver. Give and take is the key to keeping the peace.
Find other ways to help. Perhaps you are not located close enough to reasonably provide support and help with daily caregiving, but a sibling is. Recognize that caregiving can be quite a burden; even just words of appreciation can go a long way. Other ways to help might be purchasing meal delivery service, using vacation time to provide respite care, and offering to handle tasks (like bill payment) that do not require a personal presence.

When a parent unexpectedly develops a need for in home care, it can cause some grief, strife, and confusion moving forward for the family…but it doesn’t have to! Armed with these tips and knowledge, you are better empowered to keep the peace between siblings when disagreements arise about how to care for an elderly parent. To learn more about important topics, please visit our blog or contact us with questions!